Should I Get Divorced

No one besides you can determine whether or not a divorce is right for
you! But, there are some general questions which pretty much apply to
everybody. Thinking about the following issues may help you answer this
question for yourself!
What specifically is making you think of divorce?
Physical Abuse
If your spouse is violent to you and/or your kids, this is a safety issue.
No matter what you may have done, NOONE deserves to be hurt! Your spouse
may be trying to justify his or her actions by blaming all of your marital
problems on you. Please remember that a marriage requires effort by both
persons to make it work.
Ask yourself the following questions:
Has your spouse tried to isolate you from your friends and family?
Have you had to call the police to stop violence?
Have you ever had to go to the hospital as a result of being hurt by
your spouse?
Does your spouse apologize after hurting you and promise “never to do
it again?”
e. Do you try to do everything “right” to keep your spouse from losing his
or her temper?
f. Does this work for a little while, only to have the violence eventually
start again?
g. Can you feel the pressure building in between violent episodes?
h. Does the smallest thing set off a violent episode?
i. Do you feel that nothing you do is right?
If you can identify with the above questions, you may be a victim of
“battered spouse syndrome.” This situation, although it can occur with
both wives and husbands, usually describes a situation in which a husband
is physically abusing his wife.
A great deal of psychological and legal study has been done on this topic.
Often, women who have been abused “forgive their husbands” and stay in the
abusive situation. It has been found that five times is the average number
of times a woman leaves her spouse before she can successfully escape the
psychological control an abusive spouse can have over her.
Often, an abused wife alienates her family and friends who get angry when
they try to help the woman leave, only to learn that she has returned to
her husband and the dangerous situation!
Maybe you don’t think you have anywhere to go! Most cities have special
shelters for woman and children and will keep your location secret from
your husband. Free legal fees are also frequently available.
Help is definitely available!!!!! Please don’t let yourself or your
children stay in a situation which could result in serious injury or even
death. (Pat, there are hotline numbers we could probably put here or to
click to.)
If you think you may be the “abuser” in this situation, help is also
available to you to stop this pattern of behavior so that you can move
forward and enjoy the pleasure of a healthy, happy relationship. Everyone
deserves a second chance at happiness. Everybody can change and learn and
grow from our mistakes. Maybe counseling is the answer. Maybe an anger
management class would help; or, spiritual guidance from your particular
clergyman. Perhaps you might consider yoga, meditation or some other form
of “alternative” medicine. Just reach out, and you will find the answer
that is right for you!
The Affair
You never in a million years thought it could happen to you. All of
sudden, your spouse stays up late or gets up in the middle of the night to
use the computer. Chat rooms, e-mails, internet “buddies.” Oh my goodness!
How did that picture of you get distributed on the internet? (You know,
the one you took thinking that it would remain private between you and
your spouse.)
Then, there are the old-fashioned, more traditional ways to cheat: the
business trip, the co-worker, the high school reunion hook-up, and so on
and so forth! Let’s not forget the world’s oldest profession.
The question is – do you leave or do you stay?
The world is divided into two groups of people (Those who count their
carbs and those who don’t.) It is also divided into those spouses who can
forgive an affair by their spouse and move forward – and those who can’t.
If you are the victim of a wandering spouse, you should be honest with
yourself. You may think you want the marriage to continue. Do you really
want to work things out, or are you secretly determined to make your
spouse’s life a living hell. Maybe you don’t really want this consciously;
perhaps you just can’t help yourself.
Maybe your personal or spiritual values will keep you from continuing in a
marriage in which your spouse has cheated. Or, the opposite could be true.
You may feel that you are committed to stay in your marriage no matter
what.
Being honest with yourself about your true motives will go a long way
towards helping you make the right decision.
What if you are the person who has found someone else? Maybe your marriage
has been over for a long time. What would have to happen to save your
relationship? Have you and your spouse talked about what seems to be
missing in your marriage. Do you still love your spouse? If you could save
your marriage, would you want to? Would you be willing to get some
professional help?
Or, is it just a day late and a dollar short? Sometimes, a couple has
passed the point of no return. Regardless of whether your spouse wants a
divorce or not, the State of Texas will not force a couple to live
together if one of them wants a divorce. Most of the time, one person
leaves the relationship long before the other. Your spouse may need some
“catch-up” time to get used to this idea.
If this is the case, you should be prepared for a bumpy ride for awhile.
Your spouse will probably alternate between being angry, depressed,
bargaining, penitent, furious, grieving, victimized, vengeful,
retaliatory, depressed again, pathetic, and hostile (and then all over
again.)
You may not know which of your spouse’s “multiple personalities” you are
going to have to deal with on any given day! One minute, everything is
calm and you are talking rationally. The next day you’re living in the
seventh circle of hell.
It helps to remember that some of this is purely situational; ie. it is
(believe it or not) normal behavior. It isn’t actually about the two
individuals – you and your spouse. Instead, it’s about being hurt and
feeling betrayed. Both parties feel guilty. Both are suffering. Both feel
just plain miserable.
Debt
Lord have mercy. Those purchases seemed like a good idea at the time. All
of a sudden, you have credit card debt and lots of it (thousands and
thousands of dollars worth).
Sometimes now the question becomes whether to declare bankruptcy and then
get divorced or vice versa.
You may not want or intend to declare bankruptcy at all. If this is a
consideration though, you should contact a bankruptcy attorney so that you
can best consider the options that make the most sense for your personal
situation.
Other kinds of financial problems frequently stress a marriage and can
bring it to an early conclusion: gambling, excessive drinking, drug use
(I’m talking about the COSTS involved here), spending on step-children or
adult children.
Got problems with child support from a previous relationship? (Interest
and penalties can cause the most loving spouse to lose his or her sense of
humor.)
Did you use to have great credit but now you can’t finance a happy meal?
Money can’t buy happiness. It has been suggested that the people who
believe that don’t know where to shop!
Seriously, let’s face it! Food and shelter are pretty basic needs
(Maslow’s Hierarchy – Psychology 101). A spouse who thinks his or her
partner is to blame for their financial ruin may just decide to cut their
losses and run (very fast).
Debt counseling and debt consolidation could help. Getting out from under
steep monthly payments may provide much needed relief, as can re-financing
the house or a home equity loan. These solutions will only work if the
couple cures the disease and not just the symptoms! A serious change in
lifestyle is in order.
Can you work this through? Can you afford to split up? Two people can live
together cheaper than they can apart! Sometimes, a couple literally cannot
make it financially living separately.